I can’t even te
ll you how many times I’ve been here. Ready to start this “first post”. The perfect setting… Early morning, everything is quiet, my desk is clear and organized. I am caught up on all of my tasks, and I know which direction I’ll head when I’m finished typing this eloquent, earth-shatteringly amazing post. I have all of the details worked out on which I direction I’ll be heading on my blog. I have 2 months worth of blogs posts, at least, ready to edit and refine. I am ready with a line-up of future blog posts that will cause the current readership of blogs to marvel and wonder where I’ve been all these years. 😉 “MO—-M!” The familiar and, not so endearing, shriek of my name brings me back to my reality.I am at my desk, but it is not even close to clear and organized. I am still in turmoil over the direction I want to go with this blog, so the whole line up of future posts? Yeah, not so much. In fact, I sat down to do something completely different. In fact, that something is much more pressing than this first blog post- it’s “due” in 30 minutes. This used to be pretty typical of me, this scattered approach to… everything. I like to think I’ve grown, but, honestly today, I’m just really tired of that very familiar nagging that I’ve felt, almost perpetually, these last few months. To blog or not to blog… that is THE question.
There are a number of reasons not to. I’m already really, really busy trying to juggle what I have in front of me. I run my own music teaching business. I am in the midst of constructing a new course this summer and that’s what’s really all over my desk and floor in my office. I run this crazy household of 4 awesome and challenging children. I serve at my church. It seems that much of what I am qualified to talk about has already been talked about by about 19 kagillion people. But, I have this urging that I need to do this. Maybe just for me.
I always, always, always have ideas and plans- they often plague me. However, I have decided at least 5 times that I am officially (said in my most earnest tone) going to start a blog. And then I don’t. I don’t because of fear. Fear that what I have to say has already been said. Fear that someone else has surely said it more eloquently. Fear that I am not remotely qualified enough to speak on any topic. Fear that I might fail. Fear that I will probably be criticized. You see, much of my life has revolved around these same fears. I want(ed) to be perfect. If I wasn’t good at it the first time I tried, I didn’t pursue it. I never, ever tried something for the first time in public. I didn’t necessarily think that anyone else needed to be perfect. In fact, I am pretty able to extend grace and encouragement to others. But not to me. But, oh thankfully, the Lord is working in me!
Last summer we went on a vacation with my husband’s family to Lake Lanier, GA. We stayed on a houseboat for several days and had a blast! On the last day, my then 9 year old, began pressuring me to jump from the top deck into the water. He had done it dozens of times over the previous days. For some reason, these things now terrify me, but, in an effort to be the “fun mom”, I decided I was going to do it. I will never forget the feeling as we stood on the side of the boat, ready to jump. I was truly terrified, and I realized that it was ridiculous. Death was almost certainly NOT at the bottom of that jump, but I keenly felt like it was. Like the corny family we are, we all needed to jump at the same time (this now included my husband and our second son). “Let’s hold hands,” they said. Um, no. Do not touch me right now.
1…2…3! They all jumped! I just couldn’t do it!
Then it hit me. I knew I was going to do it. I was NOT going to let this fear stop me. It was simply a decision I needed to make. So, now from the the water, they are all counting, 1….2- I jumped! I was still afraid, but I knew I had to plunge into that water. (It was just as horrifying as I knew it would be, by the way, but I lived to tell the tale!)
It’s funny how we can gain life clarity in such mundane moments. As I mulled this event over, I realized that I’m just better if I don’t think too much. I can almost always talk myself out of action. I have many, many ideas and most I don’t act on because I weigh all the options too carefully. Then I either miss the deadline or psych myself out. I read somewhere once that indecision eventually becomes a decision. Yeah, that’s happened to me too many times.
So, here I am, poised to hit “publish” and feeling a lot like I’m about to jump off the top deck of the houseboat all over again.
